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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Jan 1, 2016 23:31:02 GMT -6
Dang, Thomas. And here I just thought it was bad that I sat here for nearly an entire afternoon/evening uploading videos to YouTube.
Which is indeed less than ideal, but man.
Wish there were something I could say. I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.
If you have a PayPal, I could donate at least a little bit to help defray that $2,000.
Who is Kaytlyn if you don't mind my asking?
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Jan 2, 2016 9:15:51 GMT -6
Kaytlyn is my wife. I've calmed down a bit since I made that post. I really hope to have a better day. Thank you for your prayers. I means a lot. Once the cancer treatment stuff gets going, I'm probably going to setup a Patreon account. (For donations) I'm blessed enough to save my cat and probably be good on money for a bit... but the chemo pills I have to take twice a day are VERY expensive and I'm sure I'll be broke before this is all over. ...but hopefully alive still...
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Jan 2, 2016 13:30:13 GMT -6
<sarcasm>Had an excellent conversation with a lady at work who's mom died from rectal cancer. Fantastic!!!</sarcasm>
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2016 15:42:00 GMT -6
There's a YouTube PC gaming critic (username TotalBiscuit) whose videos I used to watch a lot of who was diagnosed with rectal cancer last year if I recall correctly. He survived it and is doing perfectly fine now.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Jan 2, 2016 18:32:34 GMT -6
Thanks. I'm sorry guys if most of my posts seem like cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer.
If I have a bad day, that C word seems to weigh a ton vs mostly ignoring it on good days.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Jan 5, 2016 19:01:24 GMT -6
The context of (rectal cancer) treatment is so weird.
Yesterday, a tall bald man examined me by sticking his finger in my butt. Tomorrow I have to jizz in a cup.
If these same things would have happened in the parking lot of Denny's instead, he'd be a rapist and I'd be a pervert.
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Post by Kerrick on Jan 5, 2016 19:05:44 GMT -6
LOL.
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Jan 10, 2016 11:43:05 GMT -6
I'm browsing a black metal forum, and I'm listening to Darude - Sandstorm. Now I'm listening to LoCash - I Love This Life. I'm okay with this!
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Jan 25, 2016 0:38:12 GMT -6
Ugh, I think I'm starting to develop feelings for somebody I met on a different website. Can this just... not happen? I've made this mistake in the past and, as one may be able to surmise, it has yet to be worth the trouble. No, this time is different - every time is different. This is the one, man. Why? I will not develop feelings for __________. I will not develop feelings for __________. I will not develop feelings for __________. I will not develop feelings for __________. I will not develop feelings for __________. I will not develop feelings for __________. I will not develop feelings for __________. I will not develop feelings for __________. I will not develop feelings for __________. I will not develop feelings for __________. On another note, why do ] and \ have to be so close on my qwerty keyboard? The disciples said to Him, "If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry."
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Post by Kerrick on Feb 2, 2016 13:34:24 GMT -6
Any word on this certain someone NR? I don't think it's wrong/unhealthy to develop feelings for someone, though maintaining healthy levels of hope and expectations can be tricky...
Great news for me today! The firm I work for is located in beautiful Santa Cruz county (opposed to most engineering places that are in not as desirable locations) but due to that, the pay has always been rather sub-par. However, they decided to change that and all the engineers (me included!) got pretty sizable raises today! Wahoo!
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Feb 2, 2016 18:19:32 GMT -6
Nice on the raise dude!
Yeah NI, most of my dating started online. Like Kerrick said, as long as the expectations are realistic, you should be ok. I remember in another thread/post you said you were 21. Yeah, when I was that age, relationships still kind of freaked me out but... things get easier and more laid back with age.
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Feb 2, 2016 22:04:36 GMT -6
I had a short response to Kerrick written out hours ago, but forgot to submit it. Oh well. Anyway, nice to hear you guys are getting a raise! And you asked for an update, we've been talking a bit. Just friends for the moment. We have more in common than I first suspected, but I've learned the hard way that that doesn't automatically yield compatibility. And Thomas. Yeah, I can imagine such things would get easier with age. Not something you can just look up in an encyclopedia and research - unfortunate, since that's where I tend to excel.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Feb 6, 2016 3:35:10 GMT -6
I'm spoiler in this because it's gross and people may not want to read about some humiliating details of my rectal cancer. I've got to say something to someone besides my ever supporting wife... just to get it out... Warning. Graphic and profanity. Powerlessness. Nothing makes a man feel completely helpless like full on shitting himself 50 feet from the bathroom and he can do nothing to stop it.
He being me by the way.
When "it" hits, sometimes I've got a minute or two to get to the toilet. That's almost not even urgent to me anymore. That's just how I poop. Sometimes I've got 30 seconds and I'm buckled and breathing hard while walking veeerrrryyyy ssslllooowwwwlllyyyy. First few times this happened at work, they asked if I was ok. They stopped asking when they saw it every shift. Sometimes, I have 10 seconds (just kidding) 5 seconds and I can't even walk - I need every muscle to hold in disaster and I pray as hard and as fast as I can for more time.
Sometimes I don't get more time.
Then there's like what happened an hour ago. The clock starts and ends at 0. Clenching does nothing. All I can do is try to minimize the destruction to the room as I destroy my pants in horror while I walk to the restroom. Yes, walk. ...because I've found out the hard way running makes all of the above worse.
So how much does rectal cancer suck? I've had to dive out of my vehicle to shit off the side of the road. (Yeah, one time I didn't - took me a damn hour to clean me and my car out.) I've had my 5 second episodes where I don't get more time. Then it's grab something I can throw away to catch it from hitting the floor.
Driving and being in public causes more and more stress every day. Do you know how many times I had to find a gas station or McDonald's before I get to my appointment, which is 20 minutes from my house, and yes I use the bathroom IMMEDIATELY before I leave?
On top of that, fucking radiation burn on the tip of my dick. It's not permanent, thank God... Don't ever take a pee for granted gents. I have to pry apart my dickhole every day so it doesn't heal shut and yes, that feels as good as it sounds. Sometimes peeing might as well be inserting broken glass into my urethra. That's how I'm describing the feeling.
Don't get me started on the back door. Just Google the photo of Chase No Face and your maybe 1/3rd warmed up. (Even when I'm mad I need to have at least one horrible joke.)
...yes, my doctors are aware of everything. Hence why my house is full of creams, lotions and pills.
Apathy. I find myself really not giving a shit more and more because of all of this. I don't care if someone sees me shitting on the side of the road or an alley - I'd rather do that than ruin my clothes. I don't care if I get fired because I'm missing to much work. I don't care if I gain 300lbs, or lose 200. I don't care if I just lay all day in a dark room and not talk to anyone. I don't give a shit that I've been cussing a lot more. I don't care if I'm being a jerk.
I appreciate the prayers and support, and I'm definitely not giving up, and I pray more and more each day... but that doesn't mean I'm completely fucking tired of the pain and the whole ordeal that "just" using the bathroom is. It doesn't stop! I think I've had 2 days since October of last year that I didn't need a bathroom every hour at least.
Sorry everyone, that I set this post on fire and threw it at you. Typing it out to someone who'd never see it did jack shit and I do feel a little better being "public" about it.
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Feb 7, 2016 16:02:46 GMT -6
I wanted to reply with something yesterday, but couldn't think of anything worthwhile to add. I never had to go through that and hope I never have to. Can't relate but of course I sympathize. And of course I (and the rest of us, surely) will continue to pray about this.
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Post by barabbas on Feb 7, 2016 17:45:22 GMT -6
Thomas, personally I'm grateful that you made this post. It helps me understand better what you're going through (not that I can really imagine it) and remember to pray. This is an all out battle. It would be weird if you didn't get angry. Please forgive (!) me for this, but it seems you're someone who could appreciate it. When you got to the end of the post and said this: Sorry everyone, that I set this post on fire and threw it at you. I chuckled. I don't know if it was intentional, but given one prominent theme of everything you said, this seemed to be a particularly apt metaphor. (Perhaps better if you had set it on fire and left it on our doorstep.) If that's offensive or annoying, I apologize. (And please let me know.) Continuing to pray.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Feb 7, 2016 18:10:38 GMT -6
No barabbas, I'm absolutely not offended. I liked your post. Generally the only thing that offends me anymore is someone "self righteous" that focuses more on shredding others opinions on doctrine than focusing on God's grace and glory. (which means I get offended 40% of the time on the CMR)
When I'm upset or angry, I tend to have some "snark" in my written words. (like me throwing a burning post at people or referencing Chase No Face in regards to what my anus looks like. Seriously though, Google image search Chase No Face if you haven't seen that. Its not a person by the way.)
I know that was a hard post to follow. I didn't really expect any sort of reply from anyone. If anything I expected "ouch, sorry" or "still praying" from any of the members here, or even some random internet guest chiming in to make fun of me because I pooped my pants. (which wouldn't offend me either - I'd direct him to the sick jokes thread and tell him to put some nasty cancer related ones there for me to laugh at)
I'm so surrounded by support that if there's any negativity or offensive remarks about myself or my condition, they're from me. I can see why 2 of my doctors (I have 5 by the way) every week keep shoving support group and mental health stuff at me.... because its mentally taxing, not just physically. I just have some really bad days, on the verge of depression because of this.
Work doesn't care if I miss. My wife doesn't care, but I do - because work is one of those things that helps with my own self worth. Same with going to the gym. I want to explore with some music for the next Orationem album, I offered to help my mom with some old black and white photos she found of my grandma, but my hands hurt so bad, I can't even open a bottle of water myself. I want to knock down my wife and do stuff to her, but it hurts enough just to pee from that radiation burn.
I guess the bottom line is, some days I feel like a fighter. ...and my family, friends and wife say that every day. ...some days, even when everyone says otherwise, I feel like a lazy only-worked-10-hours-this-week-because-I-called-off-two-days-in-a-row bum who can't do what he could 2 weeks ago. I know everything will heal on me eventually, but still... For that day...
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Feb 7, 2016 21:27:41 GMT -6
I'd direct him to the sick jokes thread and tell him to put some nasty cancer related ones there for me to laugh at I noticed in the first post you hadn't lost your sense of humor, even when you were so frustrated. That's good to see. Hm. Is there anything extremely minor you could think of to do? Once in awhile I'll just open up Audacity, generate a couple minutes of noise / tones and just select different sections and add different effects at random. Copy/paste sometimes, etc. It takes little effort, if you remember to save you can stop and come back to it later, and it still gets something done. I've released two EPs of that stuff.
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Feb 10, 2016 11:48:44 GMT -6
This may seem random, but I'm curious about your opinions on something.
On a scale of, say, 1-10, how "weird" would you guys say this song is?
(Note: I'm not sure if this is a Christian band. Also, I think they swear a couple times. I also don't agree with yoga, but don't think they even mention it in the song?)
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2016 14:21:50 GMT -6
10/10 for weirdness. What is this...avant-garde hip-hop reggae core?
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Feb 10, 2016 15:17:57 GMT -6
What's wrong with Yoga?
I think that song is creative, but really only 4/10 on the weird scale for me. To me WEIRD is like John Cage's 4'33" (or anything by that dude and his "chance music")
...and songs like this Brighter Death Now track below.
Don't skip around on it. Listen to the whole thing. Listen to all the other things happening in the song besides the obvious "pain note". Don't wimp out! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! D:
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2016 15:31:50 GMT -6
I occasionally hear stories about how the government uses metal to torture people. I think that blasting Brighter Death Now would be more effective.
That being said, I actually enjoyed that, and yes, I listened to the whole thing. I think that the most effective form of auditory torture on me would be blasting that awful "whip nae nae" song...
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Feb 10, 2016 15:36:53 GMT -6
Here's another weird (but AWESOME) song. From 1925 even. Very cool. The only instrument used is a piano.
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Feb 10, 2016 22:50:11 GMT -6
That Henry Cowell song is fascinating. The John Cage song... I didn't listen to the whole thing; is there actual music anywhere in that video?... Brighter Death Now... I couldn't help it, I skipped a bit near the beginning. Otherwise, yes, that track was definitely weird. A Christian black song actually comes to mind: Armageddon Holocaust - Morbid Eternal SufferingI also kind of thought of {{{O}}}hrandeum, but only in regards to the noise parts. The "creepy atmosphere" on that track is absent from {{{O}}}hrandeum.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Feb 11, 2016 3:51:37 GMT -6
The John Cage song... I didn't listen to the whole thing; is there actual music anywhere in that video?... HAHA! That WAS the music. John Cage did "Chance Music". A chunk of the music theory class I took in college was studying that dude. You're supposed to listen to everything happening around the guy just sitting at the piano doing nothing. People walking, chairs creaking, air conditioners turning on. People coughing or sneezing. THAT'S the song! Weird right? He had another piece where he recorded himself and 3 other people walking around an outside crowd of people, carrying boom boxes that just played static. I'll acknowledge there is an element of creativity, but I did roll my eyes when that "song" finish and the crowd applauded and he bowed. Saw another video where he recorded himself playing a cactus with feathers. Playing it like it was an instrument. I bet he has some awesome drugs.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2016 22:59:09 GMT -6
So I got excited when I saw that someone put a copy of the Crimson Moonlight demo on Discogs.
And then I saw the price.
SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS.
Who in their right mind would buy that?...
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Feb 13, 2016 11:27:23 GMT -6
Ha, that's a perfect example of the distinction I try to make between "supporting things I like", and greed. Sometimes there's a pretty fine line, but wow. That's an insane amount of money.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Feb 13, 2016 11:56:56 GMT -6
Agreed. It's obvious that seller wants to cash in.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2016 20:11:21 GMT -6
Happy Valentine's Day everyone.
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Feb 14, 2016 21:44:34 GMT -6
"Are you Egyptian? Because if you don't go out with me, I'm gonna unleash pestilence and plagues on you and your family!"
Pffffffffft
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Feb 15, 2016 12:34:24 GMT -6
If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. - John 15:18-19
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