Post by thevociferator on Jul 11, 2018 22:16:55 GMT -6
So this is the kind of post to make in the anonymous part of the forum but decided to make this public.
I was raised Christian my whole life. I went through Confirmation at a very biblical based UMC as a teenager and then was baptized as I graduated from that Confirmation class. I attended all forms for biblical classes and seminars growing up. And when my parents received the calling to become missionaries, I attended every missions training class with them. When we finally moved to China (2011), I experienced an adventurous type of house church community seemingly nonexistent in America and enjoyed my time there. Then when my family moved to Fresno, California (2012), we decided to go to a spirit-filled nondenominational church (The River) that is connected with the Bethel Church network, mostly from my own choice because at the time the rest of the family was enjoying a more contemporary type of baptist church (completely cessationistic). I really think I felt a deep connection with the presence of God at that spirit-filled church, but there always seemed to be a bit of a disconnect. Then we moved back to China (2013), back in house church dynamic. And after one last year in China, I move back to Fresno to start college (2014). I chose Fresno for two reasons: good music scene and good church. However when I got back, venues started closing all around me. and The River had an unofficial church split. Whatever they had had that church before was gone when I returned from China. I tried attending to church anyway after taking a year to deal with horrendous amounts of depression, homesickness, loneliness, and anxiety. And when I did attend (2015) things just felt really off. I decided to keep pressing in and volunteer for the worship band. I was rejected. So then I tried for the youth worship band. I got accepted but was eventually let down when the youth ministers never sent me the songs to work on. After continually participating in the youthgroup for a year again at that point (2016), I decided to leave because I was no longer feeling a part of their community. So spent the rest of 2016 and and onward churchless. I have tried a good number of different churches even after I moved back to my hometown Tulsa, Oklahoma in 2017. No place has seemed good. Nothing community like the house church I was a part of in China.
So now enter the latest year of my life. I got accepted to Oral Roberts University (charismatic pentecostal HQ). When I got there I was re-immersed in christian culture and it completely sickened me. (please be aware of a lot of generalizations here, I have met and talked to a lot of students here, but not every one, there could be and are exceptions). So it really doesn't seem like people are quite as altruistic as they think themselves to be. These kids also raised in christian circles their whole lives and never left the bubble are so ignorant to the world beyond churchianity. Almost none of them are really real and authentic with themselves. When I tried to talk about suicide and masturbation and porn and shame in the dorm floor devotionals, the faculty appointed student chaplain had no idea how to steer conversation and then told me to be quiet because the other students might not feel comfortable. So I never attended the devos afterwards, after I poured my heart out about my suicidal thoughts as recent as november 2017 (devo was following week of that last episode), and whoever was attending the devo encouraged my vulnerability and none really empathized or opened up likewise. A lot of the weekly chapel services were extremely surface level easy stuff from the university president. nothing challenging, nothing new. The only message that was memorable and challenging was given by the uni pres's secretary who warned the students to avoid being caught up in the bubble atmosphere of the school and really press in on personal growth with God.
So fastfoward to January. Hey Ho I met a girl. She was really cute, into flyleaf, and was a vocalist. I decided to start pursuing her alongside taking a no social media 2 week challenge. During this time I felt the desire to really connect with God. To try to connect in a way like in 2012-13 at The River. I worked so hard, read my bible, fasted, prayed constantly, and discussed biblical things with friends. But after a couple weeks went by I realized at the end all I was really doing was trying to find badass christian metal tshirts to show people how close i was with God yet how metal I can be at the same time. It was never really about God, it was about me proving to the world that I am better than other christians. It was very much holier thn thou attitude. I was blasting Sleeping Giant and Vengeance Rising across campus and getting angry when people tell me to turn it down while other people on campus listen to stuff like kanye west on the regular. I was trying to prove that I was in the right and better. All the things l did were more of a religious practice than a real relationship. So a few more weeks went by (also stopped seeing the one girl) and I decided I had enough of the religious crap. I chose that if I were to have a connection with God it would be without all the religious tradition and rules and regulation.
And now current day. I am really starting to drift from really wanting to be considered a Christian. Most christianese conversations and topics sicken me. I find myself on the opposite side of most christian worldview at this point. I think the church went really wrong and isn't really doing anything to correct itself. No real community. The idea of a church now is so warped from how it was intended in 2nd chapter of acts. I disagree with American christians with treating everyone different from them. It's like america doesn't understand the good samaritan parable. I'm just grossed out by all this lack of actually loving neighbors. I think a lot of christians knowingly or unknowingly focus on self gains and really don't care about those less fortunate. Did Christians miss Matthew 24:44-45? Sure a good amount of students here go on weekly outreach events to feed homeless people for example. That's great, that is what Jesus would want. But maybe I have a knack at discerning the perspective of some of the people who do these events. Thoughts of superiority and pity rather than some of these students really connecting on a heart to heart level with the people they are serving. I keep saying "them" in third person, but I know these thoughts are in my own head as well and I hate it. I'm not sure where my own judgmentalness came from but I assume from other white middle class christians I grew up with.
I despise a lot of my own thought processes that I connect to christianity even if they aren't even based on scripture but on the people associated with the community. I am just so ready to get rid of these thought processes being among christians in person and going to church just doesn't seem the place to do that. Spending time in solitude seems to be doing the trick though. Over the course of this summer, I've been couped up in my room and have been in pretty deep thought off and on the whole time trying to process my own thoughts and where they come from. I've actually developed some decent peace in my life and haven't been very anxious about anything especially love-life-wise the being okay with the lack thereof. Hmm when I began this thread I was going to eventually say that I'm not a christian anymore but as I'm writing this, I'm coming to the realization that I am indeed a christian but am trying to get my mind straightened out before I work on any external type stuff. I want to get to the place where I can just go to a homeless shelter and love on people and not pity them or let their possible smells or body fidgets make me think any less of them. I want to get to a place where I am willing to sell everything I own and do something with God. That kind of stuff freaking terrifies me beyond end.
I can go on and talk about other topics but I'm getting tired so I'll end this here.
I was raised Christian my whole life. I went through Confirmation at a very biblical based UMC as a teenager and then was baptized as I graduated from that Confirmation class. I attended all forms for biblical classes and seminars growing up. And when my parents received the calling to become missionaries, I attended every missions training class with them. When we finally moved to China (2011), I experienced an adventurous type of house church community seemingly nonexistent in America and enjoyed my time there. Then when my family moved to Fresno, California (2012), we decided to go to a spirit-filled nondenominational church (The River) that is connected with the Bethel Church network, mostly from my own choice because at the time the rest of the family was enjoying a more contemporary type of baptist church (completely cessationistic). I really think I felt a deep connection with the presence of God at that spirit-filled church, but there always seemed to be a bit of a disconnect. Then we moved back to China (2013), back in house church dynamic. And after one last year in China, I move back to Fresno to start college (2014). I chose Fresno for two reasons: good music scene and good church. However when I got back, venues started closing all around me. and The River had an unofficial church split. Whatever they had had that church before was gone when I returned from China. I tried attending to church anyway after taking a year to deal with horrendous amounts of depression, homesickness, loneliness, and anxiety. And when I did attend (2015) things just felt really off. I decided to keep pressing in and volunteer for the worship band. I was rejected. So then I tried for the youth worship band. I got accepted but was eventually let down when the youth ministers never sent me the songs to work on. After continually participating in the youthgroup for a year again at that point (2016), I decided to leave because I was no longer feeling a part of their community. So spent the rest of 2016 and and onward churchless. I have tried a good number of different churches even after I moved back to my hometown Tulsa, Oklahoma in 2017. No place has seemed good. Nothing community like the house church I was a part of in China.
So now enter the latest year of my life. I got accepted to Oral Roberts University (charismatic pentecostal HQ). When I got there I was re-immersed in christian culture and it completely sickened me. (please be aware of a lot of generalizations here, I have met and talked to a lot of students here, but not every one, there could be and are exceptions). So it really doesn't seem like people are quite as altruistic as they think themselves to be. These kids also raised in christian circles their whole lives and never left the bubble are so ignorant to the world beyond churchianity. Almost none of them are really real and authentic with themselves. When I tried to talk about suicide and masturbation and porn and shame in the dorm floor devotionals, the faculty appointed student chaplain had no idea how to steer conversation and then told me to be quiet because the other students might not feel comfortable. So I never attended the devos afterwards, after I poured my heart out about my suicidal thoughts as recent as november 2017 (devo was following week of that last episode), and whoever was attending the devo encouraged my vulnerability and none really empathized or opened up likewise. A lot of the weekly chapel services were extremely surface level easy stuff from the university president. nothing challenging, nothing new. The only message that was memorable and challenging was given by the uni pres's secretary who warned the students to avoid being caught up in the bubble atmosphere of the school and really press in on personal growth with God.
So fastfoward to January. Hey Ho I met a girl. She was really cute, into flyleaf, and was a vocalist. I decided to start pursuing her alongside taking a no social media 2 week challenge. During this time I felt the desire to really connect with God. To try to connect in a way like in 2012-13 at The River. I worked so hard, read my bible, fasted, prayed constantly, and discussed biblical things with friends. But after a couple weeks went by I realized at the end all I was really doing was trying to find badass christian metal tshirts to show people how close i was with God yet how metal I can be at the same time. It was never really about God, it was about me proving to the world that I am better than other christians. It was very much holier thn thou attitude. I was blasting Sleeping Giant and Vengeance Rising across campus and getting angry when people tell me to turn it down while other people on campus listen to stuff like kanye west on the regular. I was trying to prove that I was in the right and better. All the things l did were more of a religious practice than a real relationship. So a few more weeks went by (also stopped seeing the one girl) and I decided I had enough of the religious crap. I chose that if I were to have a connection with God it would be without all the religious tradition and rules and regulation.
And now current day. I am really starting to drift from really wanting to be considered a Christian. Most christianese conversations and topics sicken me. I find myself on the opposite side of most christian worldview at this point. I think the church went really wrong and isn't really doing anything to correct itself. No real community. The idea of a church now is so warped from how it was intended in 2nd chapter of acts. I disagree with American christians with treating everyone different from them. It's like america doesn't understand the good samaritan parable. I'm just grossed out by all this lack of actually loving neighbors. I think a lot of christians knowingly or unknowingly focus on self gains and really don't care about those less fortunate. Did Christians miss Matthew 24:44-45? Sure a good amount of students here go on weekly outreach events to feed homeless people for example. That's great, that is what Jesus would want. But maybe I have a knack at discerning the perspective of some of the people who do these events. Thoughts of superiority and pity rather than some of these students really connecting on a heart to heart level with the people they are serving. I keep saying "them" in third person, but I know these thoughts are in my own head as well and I hate it. I'm not sure where my own judgmentalness came from but I assume from other white middle class christians I grew up with.
I despise a lot of my own thought processes that I connect to christianity even if they aren't even based on scripture but on the people associated with the community. I am just so ready to get rid of these thought processes being among christians in person and going to church just doesn't seem the place to do that. Spending time in solitude seems to be doing the trick though. Over the course of this summer, I've been couped up in my room and have been in pretty deep thought off and on the whole time trying to process my own thoughts and where they come from. I've actually developed some decent peace in my life and haven't been very anxious about anything especially love-life-wise the being okay with the lack thereof. Hmm when I began this thread I was going to eventually say that I'm not a christian anymore but as I'm writing this, I'm coming to the realization that I am indeed a christian but am trying to get my mind straightened out before I work on any external type stuff. I want to get to the place where I can just go to a homeless shelter and love on people and not pity them or let their possible smells or body fidgets make me think any less of them. I want to get to a place where I am willing to sell everything I own and do something with God. That kind of stuff freaking terrifies me beyond end.
I can go on and talk about other topics but I'm getting tired so I'll end this here.