|
Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 19, 2018 19:14:02 GMT -6
STAND-UP COMEDY INT. COMEDY CHUB
We see a STAND-UP standing up. They microphone so hard.
STAND-UP "Last yesterday, my son say he want to be Tony Hawk. I say, if you want to be bird, hollow your bones!"
The audience laughs. Birds have evaded humor for too long.
STAND-UP (CONT' D) "This guy gets it."
Stand-Up points at a guy wearing a shirt that says "THIS IS MY ONLY SHIRT. I USED THE REST OF MY MONEY TO HOLLOW MY BONES"
He is shirt Man. He doesn't actually get it, but he is close.
STAND-UP (CONT D) "What is deal with kids hating vegetables? I cook Broccoli Obama and my son reboots ISIS. Y'all eat?"
The audience cheers. They all eat. They all belong here.
STAND-UP (CONT D) "Siri is mean to me. I ask what the weather is wearing and she AirDrops my mortgage to Bill Cosby. He is already housed!"
The audience cries with laughs. The tears go uncollected and untaxed. Stand-up takes a drink from a bottle of cigarettes.
STAND-UP (CONT D) "Lot of naked buildings nowadays."
The audience gasps. It is not allowed to bring up this fact in public unless you are a building.
STAND-UP (CONT'D) "It is okay. I am half building."
The audience relaxes. If you are half, you are whole.
STAND-UP (CONT'D) "Here is my impression of Al Gourd."
Stand-Up acts just like Al Gourd: old and white and white. The audience claps. Shirt Man's hollow bone hands snap into pieces. Shirt Man cares not. Laughter is the breast medicine.
|
|
|
Post by nocturnaliridescence on Dec 19, 2018 19:44:48 GMT -6
That is wild. "THIS IS MY ONLY SHIRT. I USED THE REST OF MY MONEY TO HOLLOW MY BONES" I really want this shirt.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2018 20:07:13 GMT -6
I want more of this.
|
|
|
Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 20, 2018 17:50:00 GMT -6
I really want this shirt. I searched for it online. Yep. It's there.
|
|
|
Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 26, 2018 15:27:24 GMT -6
I got more bro. I just need some time to make the posts because these come to me as images. Apparently a bot watches 1000 hours of +blank+ and then is given a command to write their own script of +blank+ The original post, +blank+ was "Stand up comedy". What my friend sent me over the last few days is for: - Bob Ross - Dr. Phil - Lawyer Commercials Quite funny stuff! I'll share as soon as I can...
|
|
|
Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 26, 2018 21:30:10 GMT -6
LAWYER COMMERCIAL INT. FIRM LAW ROOM
A LAWYER stands next to a shelf with books. The books are very wide. They have eaten too many words.
LAWYER "Have you been hurt in an accidental car? Has the government sold your lungs without asking nicely? Are you Mesothelioma? Answer me!"
The lawyer opens a briefcase. It's full of lemons, the justice fruit only lawyers may touch.
LAWYER (CONT'D) "If so, you can act entitled for money. I'll help. I graduated from lawn school and all my teachers were bitten by dogs."
Words scroll across bottom of the screen. These are cases the lawyer takes: UNFAIR STABBING, ILLEGAL SHOES, MUSIC TOO CANADIAN, SUE THE RAIN, DIVORCE YOUR TOILET, FAKE SONS.
LAWYER (CONT'D) "I have been a lawyer for over 35 weekends and I'm currently dating the Bill of Rights for fun."
We see the Bill of Rights. It's in love. The lawyer will break its heart. There's nothing we can do.
LAWYER (CONT D) "Let me use it to send your asbestos to court. I will wear two suits and I promise to steal the judge's gavel for you."
The lawyer opens up the jacket of his first suit. Millions of gavels pour out. His promise has worth.
LAWYER (CONT D) "My clients never go to jail town."
We see his past clients: a tornado, a tornado, a tornado.
LAWYER (CONT D) "Remember, you don't pay any money unless you pay us money. Call for a free use of phone."
The phone digits appear. It's your social security number.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2018 21:59:22 GMT -6
Excellent. When life gives you lemons, call your lawyer immediately and do not touch them.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2018 14:06:54 GMT -6
Also, I find it funny that the AI can't consistently choose between "CONT'D" and "CONT D" and instead switches from one to the other.
|
|
|
Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 27, 2018 14:58:08 GMT -6
DR. PHIL INT. DR. PHILADELPHIA SET
We see DR. PHIL. He is too Southern and too Phil.
DR. PHIL "Today we have a young girl that is so bad her dad is dead. Her mom sent us this mom video."
A mom video plays. We see the child's owner, the MOM.
MOM "My daughter vapes beer and has sex with rap music. She's in love with a gun. Help me, Dr. Film."
The mom video ends. Dr. Phil mustaches for nine seconds.
DR. PHIL "I am the lover of moms. Dr. Filth will help. Bring her to me."
The video mom walks on stage. The crowd breathes. The mom sits in a chair, Dr. Phil sits on the mom.
DR. PHIL (CONT D) "Mom, where is your mustache?"
The crowd cheers. They all have several mustaches.
MOM "My daughter steals dolphins."
DR. PHIL "Not allowed. Bring her out!"
The BAD GIRL comes on stage. She isn't reading the Bible at all. She is mean to the chair and won't sit on it. The crowd cheers at this. They hate chairs.
DR. PHIL (CONT'D) "Apologize to the mom."
BAD GIRL "My only homework is drugs."
The crowd boos and yells. They love genuine homework.
DR. PHIL "Empty your girl pockets, bad one."
The bad girl empties her pockets. They are full of ISIS
|
|
|
Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 27, 2018 15:05:54 GMT -6
BOB ROSS INT. PAINTING STUDIO
BOB ROSS stands in front of a blank canvas that doesn't know how lucky it is. Bob smiles. His teeth aren't hiding today
BOB ROSS "Today we will paint a mountain that owes us nothing."
Bob picks up his painting weapons.
BOB ROSS (CONT D) "I will be using three colors. Baby blue, hot pink, and hot baby."
Bob mixes the colors together. They will never be alone again. It doesn't matter what they want.
BOB ROSS (CONT D) "Painting was invented by a tiny bird that wanted to be rich. Okay, let's meet Mr. Mountain."
Bob paints a mountain, the one from nature.
BOB ROSS (CONT D) "It's not all about you, mountain."
Bob paints a cloud.
BOB ROSS (CONT'D) "I went to school with that cloud."
Bob paints a forest.
BOB ROSS (CONT D) "These trees are up to something, but I won't tell the police. Now, what more does this painting need?"
Bob stares into the camera. Paint leaks out of him.
BOB ROSS (CONT'D) "That's right. It needs you."
Bob paints you on top of the mountain. You are at peace.
BOB ROSS (CONT D) "If you need help, ask the cloud."
The cloud won't help you.
|
|
|
Post by nocturnaliridescence on Dec 27, 2018 19:51:25 GMT -6
The mom sits in a chair, Dr. Phil sits on the mom. Bob stares into the camera. Paint leaks out of him. Good grief
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2018 21:05:33 GMT -6
The non-dialogue lines that the AI writes I find to be particularly funny. It's as if it's trying to sound philosophical in some way. "If you are half, you are whole." "They will never be alone again. It doesn't matter what they want."
|
|
|
Post by Thomas Eversole on Jun 4, 2019 13:33:35 GMT -6
Couples be together 20 years & end up under the mountain. Strangers have went to McDonald's and found Jesus. Some people get married after 6 months and still can't download navigation. Point is there is no formula to eating tomatoes. Do what the alligator says. Touchdown Lakers.
|
|
|
Post by Thomas Eversole on Aug 22, 2019 12:07:32 GMT -6
TRUE CRIME PODCAST INT . EARS HOST uses their voice to remind people they can be murdered .
HOST On May 7rd 1983 , a woman went missing . Missing from life . It ' s a tale of stabs , sex , and Blue Apron .
A soft song is played by a piano that leads a cult .
HOST ( CONT ' D ) The only evidence was hard mystery .
THICK MAN MOUTH SOUNDS I was chef of police for the case . A very briefcase . There was no DNA in 1983 . DNA is from 2015 .
HOST Police were called for a routine wife vanish , a common symptom of marriage.
But this wife differed . Noise of a wife being different is knocked out of a violin .
OLDEN LADY VOICE Sarah was not usual . Tom - boy then prom queen then Tom - man then corpse . I met her at her birth .
HOST That was voice of Sarah ' s alleged mother . She bothered the police when she noticed Sarah evaporated .
THICK MAN MOUTH SOUNDS Investigation was very police . We searched Sarah ' s house and found it was a house . In 1983 , that was odd .
House sounds : door bell , couch slam , toaster fighting bread .
HOST Sarah was a wife to a husband , Baltimore ' s only real doctor .
THICK MAN MOUTH SOUNDS With wife crime , the husband is guilty nine times out of tennis . Weddings lead to fast funerals .
Show pauses to run a sponsored Adnan for Casper Mistresses .
|
|
|
Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 24, 2019 11:56:39 GMT -6
90 DAY FIANCÉ INT . AIRPORT
A man of America , KYLE OHIO , waits for his fiancé to stop being a plane . He holds a sign : I GREET MY FOREIGN WIFE.
KYLE OHIO "Acornia has a 90 day Visa. We must wed or she will be flung back to her home country of Chernobyl."
Kyle's fiancé , ACORNIA , steps into America . She is shocked by culture . Culture is electricity. It is owned by Ben Franklin .
KYLE OHIO ( CONT ' D ) "I think she is here . Finally, we will Skype in person." Kyle waves and Acornia walks to him. Kyle kisses her luggage .
ACORNIA "Hello . I am three months." Kyle stares at her. She does not look like any picture ever.
KYLE OHIO "I am Kyle. We spoke online. I'm a groom. Nice to meet and marry you."
ACORNIA "Do we live here with the planes?"
KYLE OHIO "I wish it were. We live inside my parents. They are enraged that we are engaged. Do you love me, lady?"
ACORNIA "My English is running low."
Kyle and Acornia exit the airport. Kyle's parents , DAN and FEMALE DAN, are in the parking lot having Thanksgiving.
KYLE OHIO "This is my financier, Accordion." Dan and Female Dan are skeptical of someone loving a Kyle .
DAN "You marry my son to be citizen, I bet! Turn your Visa into Green Mastercard! I'm suing your wedding."
KYLE OHIO "Dad, eat your Thanksgiving."
Dan the dad stomachs a pumpkin. We now see the show's 2nd couple: an American man planning to marry a Swedish fish.
|
|