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Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 1, 2019 18:41:58 GMT -6
I won't be spending time proving myself against your assumption. You're absolutely right bro. I deleted my post, because I want to take it back. I'm sorry for broadcasting any assumption about your attempts at getting help. not gonna lie, I'm emotional about this whole thing since I went back and read some of your prior posts. I really do care and I wish I could do more to help you...
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Post by _ on Dec 1, 2019 20:21:49 GMT -6
Thomas Eversole You're good, bro. Maybe one day if I ask TBL for suggestions on things to try I'll make and share the list of things I have tried so there is some background for new suggestions. As much as I dislike how suicidal ideation is handled (at really most levels, e.g., public health, physician-patient, administrative, peer-to-peer) and intend to use my professional interests to make some sort of positive difference, I realize it is nearly always a precarious conversation -- danger lurks, but we cannot judge its distance in the fog. I know you and others care a lot; I know, in part, you carry a burden. I appreciate your care and your bearing the tension in seemingly helpless hands.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 9, 2019 18:59:49 GMT -6
I had a TERRIBLE day today.
I went to log into work this morning, no internet. To close to starting my shift to make arrangements to drive/work there. I ended up having to call off because, I can't work when the laptop can't find the internet. My ISP pointed the finger at my computer, and told me to reach out to the manufacturer - rightly so since Wifi was working just fine on my phone and TVs.
I spent 9 HOURS working on this blasted thing, before I got the internet working again. NINE.... HOURS.... I basically had to do a complete "Windows Refresh" - the next step up is a factory reset. I got to keep all my files, but every program I installed is gone. So much for me recording anything anytime soon.
However, I can see a silver lining through the computer induced fog-rage I've been in all day. I'm so glad I finished and sent over to Duane the latest Orationem album. If this very thing that happened today, would have happened while I was still recording that album? It wouldn't have survived or been completed.
As for what happened, there was a power surge/flicker/something last night. I literally did a virus and disk check the day before and was good to go, so I'm sure this didn't happen out of neglect. It corrupted some .dll's that had to do with Network functionality of the OS. Every fix I tried either didn't work, or I couldn't obtain permission (on my own PC) to let the Windows repair functions fix the problem. Checkmate.
I'm so exhausted from fighting this all day. ...but I know God is good, and tomorrow is another day.
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Dec 9, 2019 20:34:38 GMT -6
Really sorry to hear about your day Thomas. Technology is so infuriating sometimes. But THIS: I'm so exhausted from fighting this all day. ...but I know God is good, and tomorrow is another day. is so important to keep in mind in moments like this. It's so difficult to see at the time, but there's a reason God allows things like this to happen. I would not be as grounded/mature as I am today if not for the trials God has let me go through.
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Post by Bartimaeus on Dec 10, 2019 8:55:32 GMT -6
Really sorry to hear about your day Thomas. Technology is so infuriating sometimes. But THIS: I'm so exhausted from fighting this all day. ...but I know God is good, and tomorrow is another day. is so important to keep in mind in moments like this. It's so difficult to see at the time, but there's a reason God allows things like this to happen. I would not be as grounded/mature as I am today if not for the trials God has let me go through. I really needed to hear this today. I'm kicking against the goads of being an "employee" when I've been used to much more freedom in my work. It had seemed like, for the past month really, that everybody was conspiring to make my life miserable, when in actuality I had been placing my own comfort above being a servant. I'm praying for you, Tom, for your attitude to reflect that of Christ and for my own, that it would not be dictated by my circumstances but that I would serve with joy because of Him who is in me.
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Post by julienbakerfan on Dec 11, 2019 1:21:46 GMT -6
I know I said in the shoutbox that I was taking a break from internetting, but I'm back here to ask for your prayers and encouragement. My stomach and acid reflux is bothering me to the extent thay it's making it hard for me to sleep. I have no idea why it suddenly got this bad, especially when I have a big paper due in two days. I probably need to make major long-term changes to my diet to avoid Barrett's Esophagus, which freaks me out even more. Additionally, I've been frustrated about being in my late 20s and having nothing to show for it. This is probably a thought that would not occur to me if I was getting enough sleep.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 11, 2019 12:21:45 GMT -6
My stomach and acid reflux is bothering me to the extent thay it's making it hard for me to sleep. I have no idea why it suddenly got this bad, especially when I have a big paper due in two days. I probably need to make major long-term changes to my diet to avoid Barrett's Esophagus, which freaks me out even more. I have a hiatal hernia. If I don't take 40mg (Two 20mg tablets) of Omeprazole every day, I will wake up in the middle of the night, choking on stomach acid. Luckily, Omeprazole is OTC. Also luckily, the generic works just fine. Every Saturday, Dollar General releases a digital coupon, $5 off when you spend $25. I have a Dollar General store 1 block from my house. Worth a shot for relief/sleep bro. I hope it helps because it helps me! :B
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 11, 2019 12:38:50 GMT -6
is so important to keep in mind in moments like this. It's so difficult to see at the time, but there's a reason God allows things like this to happen. I would not be as grounded/mature as I am today if not for the trials God has let me go through. I really needed to hear this today. The mountaintops are nice, but its the valleys that we grow. I've done some personal inventorying - my emotions, thoughts, perception - with this computer mishap. You know, that was probably the most "work stress" I'd felt in years. Last time was before I went through cancer treatment. (2016!) When I was still trying to fix my PC (it works fine now, I just haven't reinstalled my art and studio software again yet) I was texting Duane from Vision of God about it. He texted back some encouragement for me. Someone reached out to him regarding some CMU CDs (including Orationem, hence why he told me) and it was some people feeling ministered to, encouraged and inspired by Christian metal made by myself and others. My response? "Hey that's great bro!" - and then I continued ranting about my dog-gone blasted computer. Like my appreciation was a short sentence, and the rant continued for 3-4 paragraphs afterward. Time is a human construct. 1 hour. Ok, some person come up with that measurement. That hour passed? Well, there's another one. And another. Moments are different from time. I sip from my coffee cup. I set the coffee cup down. That moment is over. Every moment I spent on anger and frustration, is a moment I miss out on love and happiness.
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Post by nocturnaliridescence on Dec 11, 2019 17:06:29 GMT -6
My response? "Hey that's great bro!" - and then I continued ranting about my dog-gone blasted computer. Like my appreciation was a short sentence, and the rant continued for 3-4 paragraphs afterward. I've noticed the same thing in myself recently. Apparently some people are just hardwired to "respond more strongly to negative stimuli". It would seem you and I are like this. There's no "shame" in it per se, but man, it's an unpleasant way to view life. I'm also trying to focus on the positives a bit more. When I was in school, negativity was basically my "armor" against "bullshit". But I've learned over the past few years that society (black metal included) has it backwards -- finding a way to be "happy", "open" etc in spite of all the negativity, is an indication of strength, not weakness. Moments when we respond with hostility or pessimism, are typically moments where we are weaker, not moments when we are stronger.
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Post by Bartimaeus on Dec 11, 2019 18:00:12 GMT -6
I have no idea why it suddenly got this bad, especially when I have a big paper due in two days. Stress reduces prostaglandin, which your body uses to protect your stomach from acid. Chronic stress can lead to ulcers, reflux, issues with digestion, etc since blood is also shunted away from internal organs to the brain and muscle. Without calm periods, the body can't heal itself. Praying for peace! Also, pick up some Pepcid or Omeprazole, which are both available without a prescription to have on hand when you feel this coming on. HT: Thomas Eversole
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Post by _ on Dec 12, 2019 19:57:06 GMT -6
I have no idea why it suddenly got this bad, especially when I have a big paper due in two days Praying for you now, bro. (Not sure if I got the timeline right but --)
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Post by julienbakerfan on Dec 12, 2019 21:14:05 GMT -6
My response? "Hey that's great bro!" - and then I continued ranting about my dog-gone blasted computer. Like my appreciation was a short sentence, and the rant continued for 3-4 paragraphs afterward. I've noticed the same thing in myself recently. Apparently some people are just hardwired to "respond more strongly to negative stimuli". It would seem you and I are like this. There's no "shame" in it per se, but man, it's an unpleasant way to view life. I'm also trying to focus on the positives a bit more. When I was in school, negativity was basically my "armor" against "bullshit". But I've learned over the past few years that society (black metal included) has it backwards -- finding a way to be "happy", "open" etc in spite of all the negativity, is an indication of strength, not weakness. Moments when we respond with hostility or pessimism, are typically moments where we are weaker, not moments when we are stronger. This. This. This. I need to print this out, put it on my fridge, and read it every day. Over the past two years or so I've retreated deep into negativity (partly to deal with my fears that a student would beat me up or humiliate me--don't be a teacher lol). It has not made me any stronger. This next year I'm going to get medication or therapy or both for my depression issues. I'm tired of feeling down even when things are going pretty well. I'm also in the process of writing a song about this. Will let you know when it's done.
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Post by julienbakerfan on Dec 12, 2019 21:15:55 GMT -6
I have no idea why it suddenly got this bad, especially when I have a big paper due in two days. Stress reduces prostaglandin, which your body uses to protect your stomach from acid. Chronic stress can lead to ulcers, reflux, issues with digestion, etc since blood is also shunted away from internal organs to the brain and muscle. Without calm periods, the body can't heal itself. Praying for peace! Also, pick up some Pepcid or Omeprazole, which are both available without a prescription to have on hand when you feel this coming on. HT: Thomas Eversole I found out my acid reflux was due to some other medication I was taking. I don't typically get stress-related reflux. However, my rather high level of stress overall probably does not help. See above post. I'll probably give the omeprazole a try at some point. Is that just Nexium, though? My problem is that I really need to commit to diet changes and so far I haven't.
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Post by julienbakerfan on Dec 12, 2019 21:17:04 GMT -6
I have no idea why it suddenly got this bad, especially when I have a big paper due in two days Praying for you now, bro. (Not sure if I got the timeline right but --) I can always use prayer for something. Thanks bro. I pray for you too. Sorry for the three posts in a row, but I'm limited on what I can do on the mobile version of the site, and the app kept showing me hentai ads.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 17, 2019 9:29:50 GMT -6
Over the past two years or so I've retreated deep into negativity I feel like I'm one negative "something" away from diving headfirst into negativity. I don't want to do it, but I do. There's some "lure" to it that I haven't been able to properly identify, prevent, etc. Probably why I would lump this behavior in myself as "an addiction", more than anything. When I was in active alcoholism, I'd say at 6pm "I'm too sick to drink, I better take the day off" only to panic at 1030pm that the liquor closes in 30 minutes, "I better get down there so I can have something to drink today." Internet drama seems to be a weakness for me. There's quite a bit of stuff I can read and leave... ...but certain statements on certain topics, I feel "something" well up in me, and I have this very strong compulsion to "I gotta say something". I'll read something on the internet. "I'd better just keep silent." - I go about my day, still thinking about it. I try to stop thinking about it, but I keep thinking about it... mostly about "a response". Then I come up with an outline of a response in my head, and then "try to forget about it" becomes "try not to drop everything you're doing to post said response" and then I cave. Hard. Its like watching a slow motion car crash. I should stop reading. *keeps reading* Let it go. *doesn't let it go* Stop thinking about it. *keeps thinking about it* Well, that's a good counter point to their point. *thinks of how to word it* You don't need to post a reply. *posts a reply* You have no self control. *feels like I have no self control* Their reply to my reply is ridiculous. I should stop reading. *keeps reading* D:
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Post by anfauglith on Dec 20, 2019 9:27:46 GMT -6
Some prayers please!
My blood pressure does not work okay since yesterday. Until now it is not (i think) in a state where it gets really dangerous, but it worries me and I hope it to get better or otherwise I'll have to try to see the doctor on 23. december, which is gonna be stressy and I would not be exactly sure to get help there. I'm just fed up of being a patient, especially with high blood pressure. I live mostly vegetarian, I am not in the faintest sense overweighted... I just do not know where it comes from and I'd be happy if my meds would start to work again.
Second point has to do with family: I have this wish of getting to know my cousins. I have their names, I can go to their profiles on facebook or so, but I can`t just write them because they do not know I exist and I have no idea if they know that my mother, their aunt, had more then one child, and I can't ask anybody. My brother whom I was able to meet in spring told me he tried to contact them some years ago (for he did meet them in real life when he was a kid, so they must know that he exists), but he did not get a reply. I would be so happy to get to meet them. Maybe God will do a miracle in any form.
Thank you very much for your prayers, brothers!
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Post by julienbakerfan on Dec 28, 2019 0:16:59 GMT -6
Pray for me as I plan on getting serious help for my mental health this next year. The short version of my issues is that I'm dealing with bad anxiety, depression, and thoughts of worthlessness while almost everything in my life is going well--I am acing my classes, have a place to live, am making friends, have a job, and have gone to about 20 shows since I moved to a different town. Since this seems to be a consistent pattern over many years, it's time to change tactics.
Doesn't help that I've developed the sleep schedule of a teenage slumber party, tho.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Dec 30, 2019 9:18:16 GMT -6
Doesn't help that I've developed the sleep schedule of a teenage slumber party, tho. I myself am not anxious, depressed or feel worthless... but add enough pain and sleep deprivation, I not only feel depressed and worthless, but I no longer want to be "conscious" "anymore".
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Post by _ on Jan 1, 2020 20:02:42 GMT -6
things, by which i mean i, suck
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Post by _ on Jan 8, 2020 12:56:02 GMT -6
*internal scream of frustration and malaise*
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Post by anfauglith on Jan 8, 2020 13:23:06 GMT -6
*internal scream of frustration and malaise* Prayers coming your way, brother!
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Post by barabbas on Jan 9, 2020 14:57:05 GMT -6
I would appreciate your prayers today as I travel to visit a friend who was moved to hospice status this week for his colon cancer. Pray that I'll be a healing presence. Pray for the wife and three kids he will leave behind. They all know the Lord, which is a comfort.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Jan 11, 2020 14:12:39 GMT -6
I'd appreciate a prayer bros. I made myself a soup for supper last night, and woke up in agonizing pain and throwing up. I don't know how I made it through work today, but I did. God is good. First partial bowel obstruction of the year. Penance for surviving colon cancer and trying to eat vegetables. I'm still in agony and need to lay down.
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Post by julienbakerfan on Jan 15, 2020 22:34:55 GMT -6
I'd appreciate a prayer bros. I made myself a soup for supper last night, and woke up in agonizing pain and throwing up. I don't know how I made it through work today, but I did. God is good. First partial bowel obstruction of the year. Penance for surviving colon cancer and trying to eat vegetables. I'm still in agony and need to lay down. Yikes. I hope you get better. Just out of curiosity, what can you eat if you can't eat vegetables?
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Post by julienbakerfan on Jan 17, 2020 1:11:20 GMT -6
Pray for me, as my panic attacks have returned.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Jan 18, 2020 8:51:03 GMT -6
Yikes. I hope you get better. It is better now. Thanks for asking bro. Just out of curiosity, what can you eat if you can't eat vegetables? Never had a problem eating meats. Also rice, some wheat, (peeled) potatoes aren't a problem. The problem with vegetables is their skins. My "work around" for that is drinking low sodium vegetable juice (which I drink quite a bit of).... or getting out the food processor and pulverizing them. (aka baby food) I also have a hard time with fruits (too pulpy or fibrous) and nuts. I can eat only a very small amount of those or I risk them getting "stuck". Pray for me, as my panic attacks have returned.
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Post by _ on Jan 24, 2020 11:28:03 GMT -6
I would whatever-word-is-like-appreciate-but-one-thousand-times-more-intense your prayers for my new depression medication to work and for my ability to study for my if-i-fail-i-might-have-to-leave-school test on Feb 21. Thank you.
Lord ... quicken Thou me according to Your word -- if You don't, I fear I will remain here in the dust alone. Holy Spirit, covered in the blood of Jesus and by His righteous and not mine own I ask You to be near me, or bring me near Him. 'I've been struck and I am suffering'. Lord, I ask You to bless this next medication regimen, if that's the right word ... Lord, I'm expecting it to fail, like the last 15-20, but Lord I still ask You to facilitate its success -- I know You have that power, God; please use Your power in my life, Lord. God even now I want to crawl back into bed and find rest in being separated from the consciousness of the world, if even for a time ... but if I continue to do that, I will surely fail out of medical school. God, I'm just trying to do what You want me to do -- please help me do that ... please help me graduate so I can help others stay alive ... Lord --
Please help me to focus, God. Please help me to be the person You want me to be. Save me according to Your steadfast love.
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Post by Bartimaeus on Jan 24, 2020 15:06:40 GMT -6
Praying x 8 sideways
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Post by _ on Jan 25, 2020 11:14:49 GMT -6
my new depression medication While it is interesting to have a side effect seeing as the past two years of zero primary effects and zero side effects had me convinced I was not a real human being, I do not want to have these tremors. Just a fun little update.
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Post by julienbakerfan on Jan 26, 2020 1:44:56 GMT -6
I accidentally took an elbow to the throat tonight while seeing Broken Flesh, and while this may be the most metal thing I've ever done, a few minutes of googling "what to do if you get hit in the throat" has me all panicky. Pray that nothing bad happens. Also pray that my parents don't get a heart attack if the next morning they find that their son, a responsible grad student in his late 20s, has a bruise on his throat.
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