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Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 5, 2015 18:09:35 GMT -6
I wondered about a thread like this and hesitated on it because I could see it going too far or getting out of control. ...but I'm thinking, worse case scenario, if someone really gets disturbed - we'll put an end to this thread/topic, and apologies for everyone. I'd like to preface by saying that there's a difference between a "sick joke" and a "dirty joke". Dirty jokes are usually filled with sex taboos and that's usually the extent of the topic. Normal people laugh at dirty jokes. SICK jokes are usually filled with many different taboos that are generally WAY outside of what a normal person would laugh it. Seriously though, PLEASE don't venture below if you're easily offended. This thread is NOT meant to offend - its for weirdos (like myself) who have a sick SICK S-I-C-K sense of humor and get a kick out of shocking SHOCKING S-H-O-C-K-I-N-G jokes. I'd honestly like to hear one I HAVEN'T heard and have a good laugh this weekend. Thread rules - you can post the question in full display, but please spoiler your answers - in case someone is curious and changes their mind! Like this: Question: The joke question here- [ spoiler ]Your answer [ /spoiler ] (no spaces for the spoiler brackets) If the joke question itself is obscene, censor it. (I'd recommend word replacement ie like replacing "the S word" with "poop") NO TOPIC IS TOO TABOO. NONE. Don't be afraid to say this is a bad idea or you got offended when you didn't think you would, etc. Ok. I'll start out light here - breaking the ice. LAUGH guys. The thread is for lawls!!! Q: What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand? A: You can't gargle sand. Q: How many toddlers does it take to paint a house? A: Depends on how hard you throw them. Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? A: Stephen Hawking after a fire. Please post yours!
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Post by Deepfriar on Sept 6, 2015 15:24:29 GMT -6
What do you do if your dish washer stops working? Slap her and tell her to get back to work.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 6, 2015 17:14:12 GMT -6
Nice one. Reminds me of these: Q: What do bruised up wives with black eyes do when they get out of the hospital? A: The dishes if they know what's good for them. Q: What do 10,000 battered and abused women have in common? A: They don't fucking listen. On a separate note... Q: What was Hellen Keller's favorite color? A: HUUURRRGGGNNNNMMFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! I accidentally stumbled onto this joke yesterday and it CRACKED ME UP. Q: How many people with Alzheimer's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: To get to the other side
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Post by Kerrick on Sept 14, 2015 12:13:40 GMT -6
This one's not particularly "sick" though I found it pretty humorous: Without nipples, boobs would have no point.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 18, 2015 20:13:06 GMT -6
I'll spoiler the punchlines. Two old women were sitting on a park bench. A man wearing a trench coat walks up and flashes them. One of the old women immediately had a stroke. The other old woman couldn't reach. Tim says, "I like my women like I like my coffee." Andrew says, "What, hot black and strong?" Tim says, "No, ground up and put in the freezer." Tim says, "I like my women like I like my whiskey." Andrew says, "What, cheap and goes down easy?" Tim says, "No. 12 years old and mixed with coke."
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 18, 2015 20:20:06 GMT -6
Q: What was Hellen Keller's favorite color? A: HUUURRRGGGNNNNMMFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heard another variation of this joke. *singing in the Yankee Doodle melody* Helen Keller went to town Riding on a pony Stuck a feather in her hat and called it... HUUURRRGGGNNNNMMFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
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Post by Deepfriar on Sept 19, 2015 7:42:25 GMT -6
Lol Thomas some of those are quite humorous and some quite disturbing. Let me see if I can think of another one I like... [Disclaimer]I am not racist in any way, shape, or form and I hate racism.[/Disclaimer] Q. A black person and a Mexican got together and had a baby, and do you know what they named it? Double-spoiler for the win! A. Choco Taco. ...I actually came up with that one myself years ago.
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Post by Deepfriar on Sept 19, 2015 8:02:33 GMT -6
Oh and here's one that's positively disgusting: Q. What's black and white and red all over? A. A sunburned zebra. I bet you thought I was going to say, "A newspaper."
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 19, 2015 9:45:47 GMT -6
Oh and here's one that's positively disgusting: Q. What's black and white and red all over? A. A sunburned zebra. I bet you thought I was going to say, "A newspaper." Nice. Let me see if I can get sicker? Q. What's black and white and red all over? A: The whale pools at SeaWorld.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 19, 2015 10:15:28 GMT -6
Lol Thomas some of those are quite humorous and some quite disturbing. Let me see if I can think of another one I like... [Disclaimer]I am not racist in any way, shape, or form and I hate racism.[/Disclaimer] Q. A black person and a Mexican got together and had a baby, and do you know what they named it? Double-spoiler for the win! A. Choco Taco. ...I actually came up with that one myself years ago. HAHA!!! No need to back pedal for race - I know we're all of faith and love and am comfortably positive that no one HATES someone for the color of their skin or their culture. No one has to tell me these are all in good fun. In fact, I'm a white guy and think "white jokes" are as hilarious as any race jokes, just like I have black friends that like "black jokes". I can absolutely laugh at myself. I'll take a whack at this topic. One man's trash is another man's treasure... There sure is a lot of white treasure in my neighborhood! *rimshot* Q: What's the difference between a white man and a snake? A: One is cold blooded and venomous, the other is a snake. OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I'm here all night folks!
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Post by Deepfriar on Sept 19, 2015 10:19:59 GMT -6
Q: What's the difference between a white man and a snake? A: One is cold blooded and venomous, the other is a snake. OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I'm here all night folks! HAHA! I think I heard that one told as a lawyer joke (or it was something similar at least).
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 19, 2015 23:37:49 GMT -6
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two stalls. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my pants and sat down. A voice came from the stall next to me: "Hello there! How are you doing?" I thought that it was a bit strange, but I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just over here pooping... How about yourself?" The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, I'll have to call you back. I've got some jerk in the stall next to me answering everything I say."
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 19, 2015 23:43:18 GMT -6
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
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Post by Deepfriar on Sept 22, 2015 7:02:36 GMT -6
I'm starting a website called 'just-the-tip.com'... do you know what it's going to be about? Icebergs. ^ LOL that one is fun to do at work
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Post by Deepfriar on Sept 22, 2015 7:21:45 GMT -6
I could do a whole series of these. I'm starting a website called 'riding-dirty.com'... do you know what it's going to be about? Poor hygiene in the wild west.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 22, 2015 10:42:12 GMT -6
Haha!!! That riding dirty one made me lawl. This is a true website - it's "Pen Island" dot com. They sell custom made wood pens. Think about that domain name for a second without the space... Penis Land!!!!
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Post by Kerrick on Sept 22, 2015 11:03:44 GMT -6
Hahaha that's like the good 'ol days in middle school when we'd try to get each other to join the "PEN 15 club" by writing it on each other's arms.
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Post by Deepfriar on Sept 22, 2015 11:08:53 GMT -6
LOL that's too much
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Post by Kerrick on Sept 22, 2015 11:21:37 GMT -6
The trick would be to do it with a sharpie so they have "PEN15" stuck on their arm and unable to get it off (heh, pun intended).
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Sept 22, 2015 19:46:37 GMT -6
That. Is. Hilarious!!! I'm actually laughing at the thought of some students getting the teacher to "join".
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Nov 1, 2015 7:29:27 GMT -6
Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A: Quarter Pounder with Cheese
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Nov 13, 2015 12:19:26 GMT -6
I was in a cafe and told the following joke: Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? A: Throw your clothes in so they can get washed. Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the cafe, looking quite choked and talking to the manager. The manager came over to me and told me that the gentleman a few tables over had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologize. I approached the gentleman and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a seizure in the bathtub which killed him. Obviously, I realized then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances, but I wondered exactly what happened. I asked the man "Did your son hit his head in the tub during his seizure?" I asked. "No," replied the man; "He choked on one of my socks".
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Nov 13, 2015 12:30:04 GMT -6
A little boy runs up to his mother, saying "Mommy, Mommy! Why is my name Lief?" His Mother replies: "...because when you were a baby, a "leaf" fell on your head". The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "Mommy, Mommy! Why is my name Blossom?" Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a flower blossom from a tree fell on your head". The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *drools*. Mother replies: "Shut up, Refrigerator".
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Nov 13, 2015 12:36:26 GMT -6
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens. "DIG!" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. "DIG!" Booms the voice again. The man thinks "Might as well" and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again "CASINO!" The guy now believes he's being divinely guided, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout "ROULETTE!" He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions. "16 BLACK!" the voice says So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red. "FUCK!" shouts the voice...
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Feb 10, 2016 21:14:41 GMT -6
Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors waiting room knitting. Mom 1 checks her watch and takes a pill "Vitamin C, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 2 takes a pill and says, "Vitamin A, good for mom, good for baby." Mom 3 takes a pill and says, "Thalidomide... I can’t knit sleeves."
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Post by Deepfriar on Feb 11, 2016 5:57:21 GMT -6
HAHAHA these made my morning, especially the bathtub one! Here is an original: What do you do with a dust bunny? Feed it a dust carrot.
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Feb 19, 2016 19:04:38 GMT -6
Q: Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food?
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Feb 19, 2016 19:06:34 GMT -6
Q: Did you know that Princess Diana was on the radio when she died? A: The radio, the dashboard, the steering wheel...
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Mar 22, 2016 17:13:45 GMT -6
Something Kerrick said on the CMR made me think of this joke. I said it there - its only fitting I say it here. Q: What's orange and red and looks good on hippies? A: Fire. LOL
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Post by Thomas Eversole on Oct 28, 2016 17:34:20 GMT -6
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? A: Because his wife died. AAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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