Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2015 18:32:12 GMT -6
this is not just a song it is a small look into my mind and soul right now.
I have been in the metal scene now for several years as a dj, radio station owner, label/distro owner and in general metal fan
I have had many battles over the years that have taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally as well.
I have battled King James only people who think I am going to hell for not using that version
I have battled Flat earth people who think I am going to hell for believing the proof I see
I have battled Universalism
I have battled Predestination
I have battled once saved always saved
I have battled anti heavy metal people
I have battled God hates every sinner and won't hear their prayers, yet they won't explain how then a sinner can be saved if God won't hear their prayers for being sinners
I have battled anti Christmas people
and many more that I can't even remember them all.
They have called me many things including:
Demon Possessed
demonic
pagan
hypocrite
illuminati
hell bound
apostate
reprobate
stupid
evil
blasphemous and many more names that I can't even remember right now.
These are all from so called Christians who bash other Christians wrongly. I have used biblical references to back me up and not just a verse or two here and there but whole blocks of scripture to show it in the context it was written. I have gotten advice from trusted pastors and referenced trusted websites as well.
The label hasn't grown really at all since I started it
There are so many stores now while
Metalhelm
shaver
Roxx/christian metal distro
christian rock shop
were all around first now there is also
skyburnsblack
vision of god
and a few others that are prominent now as well. While none of us competes against each other rather we are all in it together to further the scene as a team fact is that all of them has grown and even flourished, at least in comparison to my average of 7 cd's or less a month.
I have lost bands due to infighting among themselves including trying to take over rights to names and songs etc. I have lost bands due to breaking contract rules so I had to kick them off. I have had to tell bands that I could not get to their stuff and gave them the option of leaving their contract with no obligations and most of them did. I have had bands retire from music. I took a more distro approach and have had bands take my money yet not send the product. I have paid to press many more copies of cd that I should have thinking surely this band who sold over 250 copies of their last cd on a different label that I could sell half of that, yet could not.
The radio is pretty stagnant as well. I can't get live dj's and my own show has been off the air for over a year due to my work, bad internet service and health. No one tunes in to the live shows that I do have. Two very notorious people, or one with bi polar scitzo if you like, have been going around and warning people not to work with me including one who brought a show to me to air. after about 4 shows and two weeks of repeats, the dj backed out of the show. I don't blame him but can't help but think that maybe the skitzo had something to do with it.
With all of that said and with the mental and emotional abuse by so called Brother's in Christ I have to ask myself why do I keep doing this? Why do I let these people keep bashing me and taking more of a toll on me. My wife asks me the same thing. How much do I really have left in me.
How much of an impact do I really have on the scene anyway. I mean my live show never had anymore than 14 tune in at one time anyway and only a 5 person average the duration that I was on the air. The podcast never had more than maybe 70 downloads. If I remember correctly. While I have some VERY LOYAL customers which I LOVE VERY MUCH for their support I can't help but wander am I really making a difference? Is anyone who tunes into the station impacted for Christ in anyway? Does anyone get anything from it? I have even tried to get SEVERAL pastors to do some sort of 3 to 5 minute message you know something that is different than the same 15 Pastor Bob's that have played for the last 3 years every day and yet all are interested but none come through. I just don't get any feedback and honestly I just don't see any impact either positive on the scene or in the Kingdom of Christ. I don't know if that is because I just don't see it or if it is because Of my OWN issues I battle with that I haven't and WON'T list in this post.
Needless to say I am tired and I am worn out mentally, physically and emotionally and while I am torn part of me, honestly the biggest part of me, WANTS to walk away. The smaller part of me wants to stay but I am not sure if I am strong enough to let the smaller part win or not.
I am not looking for anything other than an ear to listen nothing more. I am using this post as that ear for me to rant and so on. Anyway I guess my rant is over for now. Not sure if I should have even posted this or not but I am just so lost right now it isn't even funny and I just don't know what to do nor if I should do anything or not.
I have been in the metal scene now for several years as a dj, radio station owner, label/distro owner and in general metal fan
I have had many battles over the years that have taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally as well.
I have battled King James only people who think I am going to hell for not using that version
I have battled Flat earth people who think I am going to hell for believing the proof I see
I have battled Universalism
I have battled Predestination
I have battled once saved always saved
I have battled anti heavy metal people
I have battled God hates every sinner and won't hear their prayers, yet they won't explain how then a sinner can be saved if God won't hear their prayers for being sinners
I have battled anti Christmas people
and many more that I can't even remember them all.
They have called me many things including:
Demon Possessed
demonic
pagan
hypocrite
illuminati
hell bound
apostate
reprobate
stupid
evil
blasphemous and many more names that I can't even remember right now.
These are all from so called Christians who bash other Christians wrongly. I have used biblical references to back me up and not just a verse or two here and there but whole blocks of scripture to show it in the context it was written. I have gotten advice from trusted pastors and referenced trusted websites as well.
The label hasn't grown really at all since I started it
There are so many stores now while
Metalhelm
shaver
Roxx/christian metal distro
christian rock shop
were all around first now there is also
skyburnsblack
vision of god
and a few others that are prominent now as well. While none of us competes against each other rather we are all in it together to further the scene as a team fact is that all of them has grown and even flourished, at least in comparison to my average of 7 cd's or less a month.
I have lost bands due to infighting among themselves including trying to take over rights to names and songs etc. I have lost bands due to breaking contract rules so I had to kick them off. I have had to tell bands that I could not get to their stuff and gave them the option of leaving their contract with no obligations and most of them did. I have had bands retire from music. I took a more distro approach and have had bands take my money yet not send the product. I have paid to press many more copies of cd that I should have thinking surely this band who sold over 250 copies of their last cd on a different label that I could sell half of that, yet could not.
The radio is pretty stagnant as well. I can't get live dj's and my own show has been off the air for over a year due to my work, bad internet service and health. No one tunes in to the live shows that I do have. Two very notorious people, or one with bi polar scitzo if you like, have been going around and warning people not to work with me including one who brought a show to me to air. after about 4 shows and two weeks of repeats, the dj backed out of the show. I don't blame him but can't help but think that maybe the skitzo had something to do with it.
With all of that said and with the mental and emotional abuse by so called Brother's in Christ I have to ask myself why do I keep doing this? Why do I let these people keep bashing me and taking more of a toll on me. My wife asks me the same thing. How much do I really have left in me.
How much of an impact do I really have on the scene anyway. I mean my live show never had anymore than 14 tune in at one time anyway and only a 5 person average the duration that I was on the air. The podcast never had more than maybe 70 downloads. If I remember correctly. While I have some VERY LOYAL customers which I LOVE VERY MUCH for their support I can't help but wander am I really making a difference? Is anyone who tunes into the station impacted for Christ in anyway? Does anyone get anything from it? I have even tried to get SEVERAL pastors to do some sort of 3 to 5 minute message you know something that is different than the same 15 Pastor Bob's that have played for the last 3 years every day and yet all are interested but none come through. I just don't get any feedback and honestly I just don't see any impact either positive on the scene or in the Kingdom of Christ. I don't know if that is because I just don't see it or if it is because Of my OWN issues I battle with that I haven't and WON'T list in this post.
Needless to say I am tired and I am worn out mentally, physically and emotionally and while I am torn part of me, honestly the biggest part of me, WANTS to walk away. The smaller part of me wants to stay but I am not sure if I am strong enough to let the smaller part win or not.
I am not looking for anything other than an ear to listen nothing more. I am using this post as that ear for me to rant and so on. Anyway I guess my rant is over for now. Not sure if I should have even posted this or not but I am just so lost right now it isn't even funny and I just don't know what to do nor if I should do anything or not.